Saturday, July 14, 2012

Waiting for Baby.

So, I'm a week overdue and finally getting less nervous and more excited about her arrival.  Bennett, like Elliott, was a desired pregnancy, but as soon as I found out I was actually expecting, I kind of freaked out.

I'll liken it to skydiving.  The first time I went skydiving nearly a decade ago, I was not afraid.  You would think you'd be scared about jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet strapped to a barefoot Aussie named Simon (which, again, is the name we'd planned to use if we'd had a boy...) but I was not fazed.  In retrospect, I know the reason for my lack of healthy fear--I didn't know what to expect.

The second time I went skydiving, I was nervous from the moment I got in the plane because I already knew the stomach in your throat feeling I was about to have.  Also, this time I was strapped to the pot-belly of a redneck named Bubba.  I had a rough landing that resulted in an ankle injury and have never jumped from a plane since that fateful day.  Note to self: one should seriously question putting their life in the hands of a man named Bubba.  Keep that little pearl of wisdom tucked in your back pocket--I'm sure it'll be useful someday.

Now, it's not the labor that I'm afraid of.  As bad as that may be, it lasts for only a short time.  It's not the actual infant, either.  I've learned that they don't break, even though they look like they should.  I'm afraid of having another infant like Elliott--one that doesn't sleep, has a hard time nursing, and in general is a miserable baby.  Cool kid now, but daaaaang she did not like being a baby.


Best Friends
Elliott, at 8 weeks with our beloved Westie, Brian.
I also did not like being a mother for the first... say, 6 months or so.  Or maybe longer.  Heck, some days I'm still not thrilled at the prospect.  Truth is, I suffered from some pretty bad depression after Elliott was born.  I've been more and more open about that fact, and now I'm sharing it with you.  Prior to Elliott's birth, I'd never experienced "depression".  In fact, every time I saw a commercial for depression medications, I thought, "What a load of garbage--those people just need to cheer up".  Yeah.  I was one of those people.

And then I was humbled.  Boy, was I ever humbled.  Turns out all of those frowny-faced people in the commercials looked like they were eating popsicles at Disneyworld compared to how I felt.  I didn't think there would ever be a way out. 

Luckily, I have an amazing husband who supported me without questioning me or making me feel incompetent or crazy.  He was just there for me.  If I cried, he hugged me.  When I shared deep dark thoughts and feelings, he listened and sought ways to make things better for me.  He stayed up through the wee hours with me.  And it wasn't just my husband--my wonderful parents embraced me and were helpful, as were my in-laws.  There were others, too.  One in particular--a wonderful and worthy woman that I attend church with had "been there" before and she helped me feel normal and she has helped me realize that I can handle another child and that things can be different this time.

BFFs
Elliott at 5 months, with her BFF.
Let's just say I'm approaching this new addition with a bit more apprehension than I did the first time around.  But along with that, I'm getting excited, too.  Newborns may be super-tough, but 6 month olds are pretty dern cute.  And you have to start somewhere, right?  I guess I'd love it if my kid entered the world as a three year old.  Then I may fear birth a lot more, but the kid?  No three year old can scare me.

To cheer the mood, I'll leave you with the quote of the day from Elliott:

"Mom, will you please play games with me?  You can be the winner." 

That girl sure does know how to get me off the couch.  A guaranteed win?  Why, thank you child.  I'll take it.

10 comments:

  1. I think a lot of parents experience to completely different babies. My daughter had the same experience as you. Many trial with every new step. Now my 2, about to be 3 year grandson is the happiest kid every. I'd never believe that he was the baby we knew and loved unconditionally. Your second will most likely be completely different and have you doubting is something wrong. LOL. Enjoy the experience. As you know, they turn into toddlers so fast.
    Kind hugs, Theresa

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  2. To say I am proud of my amazing daughter-in-law and equally amazing son, is an understatement. I have no doubt, after seeing how thoroughly extraordinary Elliott is, that this new little wonder will be also thoroughly equipped for whatever comes her way. God has spread his lovely umbrella of blessings over us all! As I was thrilled to embrace that "unique lil' ray of sunshine" that shone into our lives 3 yrs ago, this lil' flower that is yet to bloom is gonna leave lasting footprints on nana and papa's heart! Hurry up Bennett, we're waiting for kisses!

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  3. I love you girl! You are gonna rock this labor and whole newborn thing - haha "rock" ;) praying for you!

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  4. Oh, Tristin! I understand, and I felt much the same way when Tucker was born. He cried and cried and wouldn't sleep, and we had 8 weeks of nursing issues (mastitis twice, poor latching, yeast infections) before I could nurse him without pain. He refused both pacifier and bottle. All I wanted my old life back. It was awful, and I didn't understand why all these crazy women were so gung-ho about having babies. Everyone would ask me, "Oh, don't you just love being a mom?" and I would smile and lie and agree.

    I was also terrified that it would all be the same with Harper. I won't lie and say it was pure sunshine and unicorns, but it wasn't as hard the second time around. There was a lot of crying, she also refused paci and bottle, she didn't like to sleep more than 45 mins at a time, and she wanted to nurse every hour at first. But some things were better: I knew what to expect and wasn't so blown away by the whole newborn thing; nursing went more smoothly, without any pain; and I knew I would somehow survive the baby phase. And, thankfully, Tucker kept me busy enough to stay out of too much of a funk.

    I have complete faith that you will make it through this with flying colors. Your girls are lucky to have you as their mama. I cannot wait to see pics of Bennett.

    Love and hugs and prayers,

    Kelly

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  5. I enjoy reading your blog. Especially when Westie pics are involved:) Brian is such an awesome name! My husband and I totally melted at that second picture. We have a 6 week old boy and a 4 yo Westie named Theo. We can't wait til they are best friends.

    I can't say that I've experienced anything more than a little bit of the baby blues, but I'm hoping everything goes well for you this time!

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  6. Personality I really afraid to do some extreamly sports like this, its impossible to me, and I even afraid to play in park...

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  7. I'm sure you've proabably had #2 by now, but I thought I'd share my experience with you anyway in case it helps. I'm the mother of four, ages 7, 5, 4, and 2. The only one we ever "tried" for was the first. I had an incredibly difficult, life-threatening, post-labor bleeding episode that required a blood transfusion and surgery that first time. I don't know if having my first was the issue or the delivery and loss of blood, but it was so much harder emotionally the first time than it was the following three times. I didn't remember smiling a whole lot, so when I look back the videos and I'm looking like such a proud mama, I'm always shocked. Breastfeeding was hard, I thought, but it wasn't until my third child (who really did have issues herself with being able to nurse) that I came to the realization that it was just my anxiety that was the issue the first time. Eighteen months later, with #2, it was such a comparable breeze. Enjoy #2!

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  8. In case you wonder, yes we miss you. We hope everything is okay with you and baby(ies). You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  9. Enjoyed reading your blog, skydiving is really a thundering experience, hope you have enjoyed it a lot, really Happy for your child.
    munthe plus simonsen

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  10. I love this! thanks so much for sharing this! I am pregnant with my third however my second child was so hard it has taken me seven years to finally be okay with having another baby because it was so traumatic is so many different ways. He is such a cool kids now just like yours but he to hated being a baby. I also seem to enjoy my kids the older they get and I think its important for all moms to hear stories like this so we are not so hard on ourselves when motherhood doesn't go as imagined.

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